Variations: to blogify, the process of blogification, to have been blogified

Definition: The act of using all your skills in magic to transfigure some form of content to a “blog” format

Note: Taught in Professor McGonnigal’s 4^th year advanced transfiguration class.

Synonyms: deus ex machina, bandaid for a decapitation, 

We enter the elections season expecting much pomp and circumstance, and the occasional candidate mud wrestling catfight. But what we get is so much more. We grow with these candidates, sharing their hopes and dreams- and not just the good dreams like the one where Wild Things is the exact same movie except Kevin Bacon never gets naked. My point is we get invested, but rarely is there such an instant understanding of a candidates nature as experienced at today’s debate.

Rodrigo Ferrarai Nunes has instantly stolen the hearts of all those willing to listen to his story of mistreatment and woe. Over the course of the debate Rodrigo (I call him by his first name because I feel as though I know him so well) told us volumes. He spoke of his lifelong devotion to music which personally lets me feel secure knowing that if the AMS was ever to fall upon hard times, Rodrigo would be the first man on the street with a hat and his guitar raising money for the cause.

Other Hardships Experienced by Rodrigo:

- Sometimes… he gets blisters, but he has OVERCOME that and endless other pitfalls in life.

- Little known fact: I have keenly deduced that Rodrigo has some form of hearing impairment as this is the only possible explaination as to why he constantly ignored the time constraints of the debate.

- Rodrigo is in sociology

I was immediately overcome with emotion for this man who has had so much taken from him, and yet continues to believe in his ideals.

Some ideals expressed by Rodrigo:

- That he has… “has no loyalty”

- That one of the major questions in life is “why…why doesn’t UBC have a brewery on campus?”

- And That the recipe for transparency and productivity is one part endlessly vigilant Rodrigo five million parts blogging.

Isn’t there something really universal about loving blogs, playing fast and lose with loyalties, and wanting cheap local beer? I think we can all learn a lesson from Rodrigo about perspective. We do not get blisters on a regular basis, we can hear when directors tell us ad nausea that our speaking time is up, and we are more than likely in a faculty that is not sociology. We’ve got it pretty good- so I say let’s help a brother out. Brave Little Toaster for President!

-S

As I lay here, hung over and dehydrated from another night of back-to-school shenanigans- I take the opportunity to re-evaluate my life. Where is it going? What am I contributing? What will be my legacy? And suddenly it came to me, the answer to all things in life – CAKE. And seeing how I have truly catastrophic baking skills, it is fortunate that AMS Elections are here once more. Finally “Let Them Eat Cake” can rise from the dead like a dirty cockroach you were sure you smushed but will likely still be around after a nuclear holocaust takes the rest of us out.

But seriously. For those who were with us last year- welcome back. And for any newbies- you are joining this program already in progress. If you want to know who the hell I am, check the archives for ye olde intro-post, but it’s really not necessary. Pretty much here at “EAT CAKE” you can expect to be served a healthy portion of sass, numerous times a day- with a sprinkling of political opinion.

At each and every debate: I’ll be there.

Sneaking outside candidate’s doors: I’ll be there

Frantically Facecreeping prospective AMS Execs: I’ll be there

Spooning you in the dark of night: I’ll be there

You get the idea. So tune in, refresh constantly, and know that I’m in your AMS Elections; Judging Your Candidates. I call upon you to EAT CAKE- don’t just eat it, frigging shove it in your face until you’re uncomfortably full- because this is a short election period people- and it’s going to be one hell of a ride!

- S

P.S The first of this weeks debates happens TODAY at NOON in the conversation pit @ the SUB. Be there!!

     So I’m sure since the destruction of my infamous, yet short-lived thank you post, everyone has been wondering wither his merci posting? Well it’s here friends, I want to officially thank Hienekan for getting me so drunk tonight, and also Disarono Amaretto, and the cheapest rum in the liquor store, Captian Lamb’s. THank you - from the bottom of my wallet. But on to the race. I was a little dissapointed in some of the races, I mean i had hoped for experience to win out all around- and this is more or less because I was so disgusted at how experience was treated as a whole accross the debate. But for serious- in GENERAL i was quite pleased in how the elections turned out. Thank you candidates for contributing all you did to this race, to my cause, to everyone. It’s freaking amazing to have competition like you.

On to VFM. I was a little bit frustrated to see this race go like it did. Do not get me wrong, I was exstatic, and absolutely SO immensely grateful to see that I had been graced with 5th place in VFM competition. Thank ALL OF YOU for your votes, your support, and your constructive criticism.- But I felt like there were so many VFM (and by vfm i mean true entrepreneurs) who deserved recognition. I guess let me just say that , Beer Tribunal, you were fucking robbed, and you were robbed by rich men (metaphorically). And I think it’s tacky, class-less, and fucking pathetic. But that’s just how I feel.

 On to how I feel today, today I was sitting in Buch A- common territory for Artsies, and I was unexpectedly and … fabulously? ATTACKED by the Reiki association of UBC. Let me just get this straight. UBC gives these people room to flail their arms around in peace- and in response they end up loitering around campus giving fabulous advice to everyone they meet? And by fabulous advice I am clearly alluding to their insistant harassment of their fellow students. Let’s just break this UBC REIKI phenomena down a little.

 First of all- I too wish I could be a fantastic Harlequin Doll. Apparent all reiki students are, since the one obsessed with my spiritual well being was apparently wearing  a cross between a delicious chef’s hat, and a checkered vans shoe.  Do not ask me to explain how footwear and head apparel became interwined. It is an unholy union that I dare not speculate too deeply into. But suffice it to say that I am shocked by their… martial bliss? I am equally shocked by the UBC reiki association’s deep devotion to golden kimono coats- but that’s an entirely other story.

 

I guess the overwhelming theme of this post is this : IT IS NOT OVER UBC.

I have too much to say, too many obnoxious opinions, and too many ins with student government officials. So from now on, maybe not here, but I will be reporting on the excessive, fantstic, and slightly unnerving choices made here on the UBC / Vancouver scene. whether they be political, social, or fashionable. There are a lot of bold choices going on, and this is one of them.

Look forward to B.C.B.C - BOLD CHOICE BRITISH COLUMBIA- it’s coming… and it is FEIRCE.

Thanks again for all the support,

-S

      

       Melody Ma has made, what I would call, a bold claim. She has made a promise to voters which she outlined at Friday’s Candidate’s debate in the SUB conversation pit. Her promise is this : Idea’s, she asserts, are like melodies, and melodies are meant to be sung- so we should make the correlation between her namesake and the metaphor she has chosen to use, and vote for her in the Board of Governors race. I am overwhelmed with excitement and greatly anticipate Melody proudly singing my personal melody, which must be sung to the tune of ,”Pretty Fly for a White Guy”. How truly fantastic.

- S

       When I was in grade one, eons ago really, I became stricken with the chicken pox. This was perhaps the first time in my entire young life that I had been allowed to stay home and do as I pleased. And what pleased me most was watching Samurai Pizza Cats every day at 12 oclock on the dot. It was thrilling. Just in case by some cruel twist of fate you are unacquainted with the Pizza Cats, let me give you a quick run down of the program. The show is based around three felines who primarily make delicious pizza pies, yet have delicious adventures fighting crime in their spare time. If this isn’t enough to make you run out and buy some bootleg dvds, here comes the best part. The main villains are a gaggle of pizza hating crows, led by an ambiguously gay, crossdressing fox named Seymour the “Big Cheese”. Being so young and impressionable I immediately developed a severe distrust of cheese, crossdressing, and foxes of all kinds. Little did I know, years later I would be confronted with the true face of fear: Jerry Fan Fan. You see not only do I feel strongly that Fan Fan may or may not have been raised by foxes, or as I like to call them “feex”, his plans for student housing appear to be just as nefarious and ill founded as the plans “Big Cheese” often has for Crystal Tokyo, the homeland of the Pizza Cats. I mean the Big Cheese certainly means well,  and if he wasn’t so absent minded I’m sure he’d finally be rid of those pesky pizza cats. But the fact remains that he is so absent minded that he regularly forgets to include important things like… pilots in his giant robots created to destroy them. Fan Fan is remarkably the same, in that I am certain that he means well but the idea of refusing to create new student housing on campus while at the same time attempting to combat the issue of having not enough student housing on campus is exactly the kind of half-baked idea that would come out of the Big Cheese’s snout. Interestingly enough when this sassy fox is confronted by the Pizza Cats after his plans fail miserably, he more often than not throws on a kimono and attempts to hide behind fabulous “fan”s.

Mere chance resemblance? I think not.

 

- S

 

 

        

         While passing out delightful leaflets supporting cake, boobies, and of course my right to be sarcastic, ( or “spreading the good word” as I like to call it) I seemed to come across VP Admin candidate Sarah Naiman an awful lot. Now I don’t want to be brash and suggest that Ms. Naiman was stalking me- I’ll just say that I am very flattered but encourage alternate forms of entertainment. Perhaps she could take up knitting, or join a canasta league, or age 50 years immediately? Or, perhaps she could focus her energies on sleuthing out Suvina To. By far the most elusive of the VP Admin Candidates, Suvina To sneaks through the shadows like a well trained ninja. She seems to emerge only to partake in sassy photoshoots involving leather and whips (oh my!) or sometimes, as was the case today, to quit pulling punches and fight fight fight for her VP Admin future. At today’s debate I was pleasantly surprised to find a more aggressive and definite Suvina balancing out her traditional overwhelmingly calm demeanor. It’s really quite encouraging to see a race heat up like this right at the end of the road. The gloves are off ladies, all I can say now is… “Cat Fiiiiiiiiight” But if there is going to be a cat fight, let us hope it’s the ladies who are scrapping and not an epic battle between such feline hits as tubcat and bride of tubcat. On second thought, I don’t care which of those two possibilities turns out to be true. Either way I can probably charge 5 dollars at the door.

- S

Dear Chris,

   We get it. Really. You’re an R.A, and not just that but an R.A in Totem Park- so we agree that there’s probably nothing that VPX can throw at you that would shock or scare you. However we’re not entirely sure how zoo-keeping, (oops, did we say that?) in Totem relates to external relations for the alma mater society, except for under the generic categories of “responsiblity” and “experience breaking up orgies”. But in all seriousness, what we’re really confused about is your fixation, which in previous debates seemed to be shared by your competition, with comparing the U-Pass initiative with Students for B.C. For those of you who have no idea what the U-Pass is, you clearly don’t go to UBC, for those of you who don’t know what Students for B.C is, congratulations- you clearly do attend this fine institution. The way that these two concepts keep getting juxaposed together makes it seem as though they are essentially the same thing, twins if you will, one with a bright future and admission to Harvard (the U-PASS) and the other, tragicly deformed twin with an attitude problem who dares not even attend a community art class because his soul is so blackened by hate (Students for B.C). It goes without saying that, unfortunately, this is just not the case. While yes, I suppose they do come from the same source, the AMS, these two initiatives could not be more different. Most obviously, the U-PASS dares to give students a service that is widely used, greatly appreciated, and saves them a bucket full of money. And not a small bucket either, this is a large bucket. A monumental bucket of epic proportions. So it’s no surprise that students for the most part have very little bad to say about the U-PASS. Students for B.C, on the other hand, is definately the Mary-Kate of this Olsen duo. Which is to say it is dressed in elaborate (and probably expensive robes) that suggests it is very important (or possibly homeless) but really has very little substance. In essence, to an average student, Students for B.C is yet another informative website. It really contributes nothing to their life, it certainly doesn’t help them get to metrotown, and the information it does provide is available in various other pre-existing services. So surprise, surprise - no one cares about Students for B.C. But really that’s just our opinion, perhaps you can prove us wrong Chris Brush. Perhaps using secret R.A DNA labs you have ascertained that our original theory was correct. This in fact is a case of good twin v.s bad twin so dramatic that it could easily inspire a Sweet Valley Twins christmas time thriller! If this is the case then good on you Chris Brush- we underestimated you and we hang our heads in shame.

I have to admit that during this debate series I have occasionally felt a little..small, especially when compared to the larger than life candidates who have graced the podium over the past few weeks. After all, these men and women are dedicated to changing our school, and therefore the world, for the better. They battle the big issues, war, poverty, and affordable childcare. That they can make this enormous personal contribution to their environment inspired me- and so I thought about it. I though long, I thought hard, and after 8 crazy days and nights ( and by that I mean probably a solid 5 minutes) I had found the answer. That’s right my friends, I too have tackled one of the “big issues”, one I like to refer to as, “The Problem with Rugrats”. The way I understand it, the University of British Columbia is currently lacking childcare facilities to properly service approximately 1400 students. Well, we can all agree that this is totally unacceptable, which is why I knew it was imperative for me to take action. Since UBC is such an international school I felt like the answer did not necessarily lay with quick fixes like lobbying for funding from the government. I thought that a more cosmopolitan, global citizen-minded answer had to be possible. And so I asked myself… if I needed to get rid of ghosts… I would clearly call the Ghost Busters. They’re the experts after all. So if I need to get rid of some babies (since baby overpopulation is clearly the issue here) I would also call the expert: Angelina Jolie!!!! I’m sure that she and Brad would be more than happy to take at LEAST half of them off our hands. It’s win-win really- I can’t wait to take on world hunger. -S