Fine Yian. Make me a liar! While it’s still true that yesterday’s VP debates were so boring that the alternate event occuring in the same timeslot entitled “watching a painting, of grass growing, dry” was extremely well attended -this morning is a brand new day and there is a brand new story. I don’t know if I’m breaking this news but GOD I HOPE SO. Journalistic integrity at last! I see a pulitzer in my future. I see published works based on this article. I see a bio-pic starring Ryan Phillipe that would catapult him to the upper echelons of Hollywood stardom and make everyone forget “Wingcommander” or whatever the fuck that movie was called. So without any further ado:
       EAT CAKE EXCLUSIVE: Choose your own Adventure!!!

  We are thrilled to be able to report (because we are thrilled to be able to report ANYTHING)

    A) that the VP Admin race has officially been cancelled. Rumor has it that VP Admin Candidate Yian recently slept with an older distinguished gentleman who had also slept with his mother, and his grandfather as well as being the topic of a bestselling novel and as a result has suffered a nervous breakdown.

   B) the VP Admin race has been official cancelled. A press release from Yian suggests that he has realized that his true passion is Construction. He can now be found on wreck beach constructing tiny student union buildings made entirely of sand and discarded bongs.

  C) the VP Admin race has officially been cancelled. UBC insider buzz suggests that Yian was breaking elections code outside the sub. This could mean anything from selling his body to the night to the delight of cougars everywhere- or just campaiging with his laptop- But that would be lame wouldn’t it?

YOU DECIDE!
-S

        Sarah Naiman Needs Help. I’ve been sitting on this one for a while now here at EAT CAKE but the situation has just become so dire that I cannot with good concience stay quiet. It all started when Sarah Naiman was accused of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on the SUB renewal process. Sarah vehemently denied this to all who would listen and we at EAT CAKE though perhaps the lady doth protest too much.
      The answer my friends? SHE DOTH. SHE DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH. After a little digging I found the truth. Big Al’s House of Hot Tamale Boy Toys. A local escort service operating out of a small basement suite in kitsalano where up to 30 underfed, wannabe actors hopped up on viagara live with their obese pimp who I hear moonlights as an GSS counsellor. The truth of the matter is Yian simply misinterpreted what all that spending was for- far from going towards our new Student Union Building, Sarah has been misappropriating money to hire herself up to 15 callboys a day for good times in the executive offices. Far from just gossip, photographic evidence provided to Eat Cake proves that her “private massages” pretty much always have a happy ending.
              Sarah- KNOW THIS:  you are not alone. I understand - you have a problem, and I don’t just mean the inevitable chafing. May I suggest some AMS services? the speakeasy? student counselling? That is if your wanton lust hasn’t bankrupt them already! For shame Ms. Naiman- for shame.

-S

    Hey there everyone. I’d like to take this opportunity just to explain my abscence for the past few days. I’m sure you all thought it was some sort of spaz attack brought on by the fact that the VFM race has quickly become a clusterfuck beyond compare. But that is just not the case. Gosh this is really really hard. Here goes nothin’ -
   Aside from overdosing on green tea supplements, I have also suffered a lapse in what I would describe as my life long struggle with emo-addiction. It’s not a phase, it’s not just me being silly- it’s a disease and it’s a terminal one. One day it is more than possible that in a fit of emo- I will choke myself to death with an unnecessary scarf, or I will stab myself straight through the eye and into my vunerable brain cavity with an over-sharpened eyeliner pencil. 
    Over the past few days I’ve been binging hardcore. Everything I’ve worn has been striped. I had to be restrained from having permanent eyeliner and tears tattooed on my face, and I have penned at least three volumes of intimate poetry resulting in plenty of righteous emo paper cuts and what I think is the definitive literary account on the life of a struggling blogger in a blogified world of blogification.
    This latest bout of emo was brought on by many things, and I don’t want any one person to feel personally responsible. Rodrigo- I’m looking at you. If anything your endless diatribes have soothed this tortured artist’s soul. Don’t blame yourself when I’m gone.  The important thing is that I’m over it now, I’ve come back to my senses, shed my chuck taylors, and I’m back.

- S