Melody Ma has made, what I would call, a bold claim. She has made a promise to voters which she outlined at Friday’s Candidate’s debate in the SUB conversation pit. Her promise is this : Idea’s, she asserts, are like melodies, and melodies are meant to be sung- so we should make the correlation between her namesake and the metaphor she has chosen to use, and vote for her in the Board of Governors race. I am overwhelmed with excitement and greatly anticipate Melody proudly singing my personal melody, which must be sung to the tune of ,”Pretty Fly for a White Guy”. How truly fantastic.

- S

       When I was in grade one, eons ago really, I became stricken with the chicken pox. This was perhaps the first time in my entire young life that I had been allowed to stay home and do as I pleased. And what pleased me most was watching Samurai Pizza Cats every day at 12 oclock on the dot. It was thrilling. Just in case by some cruel twist of fate you are unacquainted with the Pizza Cats, let me give you a quick run down of the program. The show is based around three felines who primarily make delicious pizza pies, yet have delicious adventures fighting crime in their spare time. If this isn’t enough to make you run out and buy some bootleg dvds, here comes the best part. The main villains are a gaggle of pizza hating crows, led by an ambiguously gay, crossdressing fox named Seymour the “Big Cheese”. Being so young and impressionable I immediately developed a severe distrust of cheese, crossdressing, and foxes of all kinds. Little did I know, years later I would be confronted with the true face of fear: Jerry Fan Fan. You see not only do I feel strongly that Fan Fan may or may not have been raised by foxes, or as I like to call them “feex”, his plans for student housing appear to be just as nefarious and ill founded as the plans “Big Cheese” often has for Crystal Tokyo, the homeland of the Pizza Cats. I mean the Big Cheese certainly means well,  and if he wasn’t so absent minded I’m sure he’d finally be rid of those pesky pizza cats. But the fact remains that he is so absent minded that he regularly forgets to include important things like… pilots in his giant robots created to destroy them. Fan Fan is remarkably the same, in that I am certain that he means well but the idea of refusing to create new student housing on campus while at the same time attempting to combat the issue of having not enough student housing on campus is exactly the kind of half-baked idea that would come out of the Big Cheese’s snout. Interestingly enough when this sassy fox is confronted by the Pizza Cats after his plans fail miserably, he more often than not throws on a kimono and attempts to hide behind fabulous “fan”s.

Mere chance resemblance? I think not.

 

- S

 

 

        

         While passing out delightful leaflets supporting cake, boobies, and of course my right to be sarcastic, ( or “spreading the good word” as I like to call it) I seemed to come across VP Admin candidate Sarah Naiman an awful lot. Now I don’t want to be brash and suggest that Ms. Naiman was stalking me- I’ll just say that I am very flattered but encourage alternate forms of entertainment. Perhaps she could take up knitting, or join a canasta league, or age 50 years immediately? Or, perhaps she could focus her energies on sleuthing out Suvina To. By far the most elusive of the VP Admin Candidates, Suvina To sneaks through the shadows like a well trained ninja. She seems to emerge only to partake in sassy photoshoots involving leather and whips (oh my!) or sometimes, as was the case today, to quit pulling punches and fight fight fight for her VP Admin future. At today’s debate I was pleasantly surprised to find a more aggressive and definite Suvina balancing out her traditional overwhelmingly calm demeanor. It’s really quite encouraging to see a race heat up like this right at the end of the road. The gloves are off ladies, all I can say now is… “Cat Fiiiiiiiiight” But if there is going to be a cat fight, let us hope it’s the ladies who are scrapping and not an epic battle between such feline hits as tubcat and bride of tubcat. On second thought, I don’t care which of those two possibilities turns out to be true. Either way I can probably charge 5 dollars at the door.

- S

Dear Chris,

   We get it. Really. You’re an R.A, and not just that but an R.A in Totem Park- so we agree that there’s probably nothing that VPX can throw at you that would shock or scare you. However we’re not entirely sure how zoo-keeping, (oops, did we say that?) in Totem relates to external relations for the alma mater society, except for under the generic categories of “responsiblity” and “experience breaking up orgies”. But in all seriousness, what we’re really confused about is your fixation, which in previous debates seemed to be shared by your competition, with comparing the U-Pass initiative with Students for B.C. For those of you who have no idea what the U-Pass is, you clearly don’t go to UBC, for those of you who don’t know what Students for B.C is, congratulations- you clearly do attend this fine institution. The way that these two concepts keep getting juxaposed together makes it seem as though they are essentially the same thing, twins if you will, one with a bright future and admission to Harvard (the U-PASS) and the other, tragicly deformed twin with an attitude problem who dares not even attend a community art class because his soul is so blackened by hate (Students for B.C). It goes without saying that, unfortunately, this is just not the case. While yes, I suppose they do come from the same source, the AMS, these two initiatives could not be more different. Most obviously, the U-PASS dares to give students a service that is widely used, greatly appreciated, and saves them a bucket full of money. And not a small bucket either, this is a large bucket. A monumental bucket of epic proportions. So it’s no surprise that students for the most part have very little bad to say about the U-PASS. Students for B.C, on the other hand, is definately the Mary-Kate of this Olsen duo. Which is to say it is dressed in elaborate (and probably expensive robes) that suggests it is very important (or possibly homeless) but really has very little substance. In essence, to an average student, Students for B.C is yet another informative website. It really contributes nothing to their life, it certainly doesn’t help them get to metrotown, and the information it does provide is available in various other pre-existing services. So surprise, surprise - no one cares about Students for B.C. But really that’s just our opinion, perhaps you can prove us wrong Chris Brush. Perhaps using secret R.A DNA labs you have ascertained that our original theory was correct. This in fact is a case of good twin v.s bad twin so dramatic that it could easily inspire a Sweet Valley Twins christmas time thriller! If this is the case then good on you Chris Brush- we underestimated you and we hang our heads in shame.

I have to admit that during this debate series I have occasionally felt a little..small, especially when compared to the larger than life candidates who have graced the podium over the past few weeks. After all, these men and women are dedicated to changing our school, and therefore the world, for the better. They battle the big issues, war, poverty, and affordable childcare. That they can make this enormous personal contribution to their environment inspired me- and so I thought about it. I though long, I thought hard, and after 8 crazy days and nights ( and by that I mean probably a solid 5 minutes) I had found the answer. That’s right my friends, I too have tackled one of the “big issues”, one I like to refer to as, “The Problem with Rugrats”. The way I understand it, the University of British Columbia is currently lacking childcare facilities to properly service approximately 1400 students. Well, we can all agree that this is totally unacceptable, which is why I knew it was imperative for me to take action. Since UBC is such an international school I felt like the answer did not necessarily lay with quick fixes like lobbying for funding from the government. I thought that a more cosmopolitan, global citizen-minded answer had to be possible. And so I asked myself… if I needed to get rid of ghosts… I would clearly call the Ghost Busters. They’re the experts after all. So if I need to get rid of some babies (since baby overpopulation is clearly the issue here) I would also call the expert: Angelina Jolie!!!! I’m sure that she and Brad would be more than happy to take at LEAST half of them off our hands. It’s win-win really- I can’t wait to take on world hunger. -S

 

        Hi ya’ll, I’m feeling very southern today, and by southern I really mean Spears-esque southern. So look for me around campus either getting married, eating fried chicken, or forcing an unholy amount of cheetos in my mouth. But aside from that, today I’m feeling pleased. I’d like to direct you to the post below this one, specifically the comment section where a rather lively debate emerged last night. I’m not going to lie, I had mixed feelings when this first occured. I wondered if maybe I’d gone too far. I was afraid it was my very own “wardrobe malfunction” moment, and soon I’d be forced to apologize on national television before they’d let me perform at the grammies. (Yes I’m Justin Timberlake in this particular fantasy- what of it?) But then I realized that maybe, people disagreeing, people voicing their opinions even in opposition to whatever I’ve thrown out there is exactly the point of AMS Election coverage. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to laugh too. ( and I want you to VOTE but more on that later) But I would like to think that you’re not just laughing at these ridiculous events but also taking in that they’ve happened, and realizing there is an election going on that really affects everyone at UBC.  So my title, like most things here, is a joke. I encourage disagreements, and alternate opinions, and hope that you all will continue (or even start) to voice them here!

     Now in reference to the giant set of breasts that are currently reigning over this post; AMS Elections are officially OPEN. This means that you can get in your votes, online, for all of your favourite zAaAnY contestants. It also means you can throw a little support my way. If you’ve enjoyed/ will continue to enjoy this blog  please do me a big favour and click my BOX in the VOTER FUNDED MEDIA category. It’ll take you two seconds, and you’ll have really made a difference, to me and also to your UBC experience. Just do it. Rock the Vote! Diddy / P.Diddy / Puff Daddy / Sean Combs would!

- S

 

Just Take a moment, please, to breath in the majesty of this photographic experience, brought to you all by the Radical Beer Tribune ( at http://radicalbeer.blogspot.com ) and of course the wonders of microsoft paint. You’ve had that moment? Okay then…

So confession time: I have a problem with prime time television. I watch it a lot, and I watch pretty much anything. This includes, but is not limited to,  90210 reruns, The Tyra Show, COPs, and of course the little known gem “Showbiz Tonight!”. Showbiz Tonight, is more or less the worst show I’ve ever had the misfortune to watch. In fact the only reason I managed to get through a whole hour of this stunning tele-visual accomplishment was my burning desire to watch a promised segment on “Goliath”, an extremely obese cat. I’m not proud, but my need to see Goliath struggle to move his gargantuan paws was extreme, and I must say that while the segment ended up being shorter than I would have liked, sitting around to watch this weeks edition of “That’s Ridiculous!” was absolutely worth it.

            This segues nicely to Peter Rizov. Hopefully you’re all currently aware that he is one of two candidates involved in a heated elections race for the VP Finance position. And if you weren’t aware; SURPRISE, he is!  For a short time  I was convinced that Peter Rizov was not actually running a campaign based on his hatred for the status quo, and his superiority as a commerce student, but in fact was making a bold school-yard esque romantic gesture towards Brittany Tyson, his competition. I thought of it as the University level equivalent to the elementary school hair pulling. Quite simply I was wrong.

            In the debates held today in the Meekison Lounge, Rizov made it clear that the idea of experience being necessary to hold an executive position in the AMS was absolutely “ridiculous” and unacceptable. While I’d like to agree, purely based on continuing my dedication thus-far to being completely bat-shit crazy, my urge to make this into my very own segment of “That’s Ridiculous” is far too strong. To be fair, this debate was rough for Rizov. Who could have anticipated that Brittany Tyson would resort to a tactic that has been treated like a leper in these elections thus far and whip out an actual campaign platform. And we’re not talking a simple commitment to ending student apathy ( although this seems to be the must-have accessory of the season for any AMS candidate) oh no, Ms.Tyson has had the audacity to bring up concrete plans during debate. I would have been outraged too Peter, don’t worry too much about it.

But even after this underhanded tactic was pulled on him, Rizov valiantly fought to convince voters that Brittany’s experience was to her detriment. This goal took particular skill considering during the course of the debate Rizov admitted that he in fact had no concrete plans because he had no experience with the intricacies of the position, that experience was of course an asset, and that as an inexperienced fresh face to the position it would obviously take him a while once in the job to be able to properly evaluate the status quo. The truly mind boggling thing about this was the way in which Rizov has clearly blurred the line between rational and irrational thought in his own mind. Despite all of these admissions to the contrary, he continued to steadfastly support the idea that experience was a ludicrous basis on which to judge a contestant. And to a certain degree he is right, experience alone does not make any candidate better than another- after all Jerry Fan Fan has sat on UBC senate and that certainly hasn’t diminished how incompetent he remains. What is undeniable, however, is that experience, when utilized properly allows a candidate to have concrete, informed ideas, and to get to work to accomplish them quickly and effectively. It is this that makes Brittany Tyson an attractive candidate, not some abstract antiquated notion, and Peter Rizov knows it. To suggest anything different, that’s ridiculous.

My fellow consumers of cake. I am not afraid of you. It’s come to my attention that some of you might feel like I am, and this, my friends, is just not at all the case. So here’s some clarification as to who I am, and why I seem to feel comfortable giving my opinions on these AMS elections.

My name, to start with, is Shawn McAllister Stewart, which I used to find really embarassing, but I now have come to fancy as interesting, and “full of character” which is really a nice way to say, “kind of weird”. I’m a second year ARTS student here at the UBC point grey campus, and I’m hoping not to be harshly rejected by the Political Science Majors program. I’ve been asked if I am, or have ever been an AMS representative. The short answer to that question is: No. I am in no way affiliated with the AMS, or any other major institution here at UBC- unless you count the P.I.T as a major institution, in which case I have just lied to you. So I guess that would make a reader question what business I have giving any sort of opinion on the AMS elections, even if it seems to be (mostly) for entertainment purposes? Well, I’m opinionated, and I’ve heard it said once or twice that I’m funny. And I think humour is important. I think that it makes people pay attention to things they may not have noticed before. That’s the purpose of entertainment really, to inform via a medium that doesn’t make people want to shoot themselves in the face, ideally… Entering VFM has been one of the first steps on the road to pulling myself out of my own personal sophmore slump and getting myself involved and active in my university, so I would like to, in my own way, contribute to further involvement by everyone. By involvement I don’t mean volunteering, or running for office, I mean the simple act of sitting up and taking notice of what is going on around you. So many students do not, when it would be so easy to attend even one debate. When it takes mere seconds to vote for AMS online, when even a little bit of interest would make them so much more a part of the institution they already belong to. So I’ll tell you that my blog, my “humour” is an attempt to facillitate greater involvement, using my definition. But it could just as easily be that I’m incredibly self involved and typing out this blog allows me to basically listen to myself talk every day, and marvel at all the fabulous jokes I can come up with. Either way, it sure is fun.

and on that note: I have a public service annoucement : Please, PLEASE think VERY hard before you wear formal shorts. I know it seems like a good idea at the time. You think you’ll look like Mischa Barton, or heaven forbid Sienna Miller, but unless secretly you’re Kate Moss and you just put on a plain jane suit every day so that you can savour your UBC education in peace, really you just look like a circus clown, or a little german child. And on top of these less than desireable characters you will inevitably resemble they also probably make your ass look roughly the size of the Titantic. So really. Just don’t.

 So nice to get that off my chest, until another pressing concern comes to my attention…

-S

         Today, at the SUS edition of the AMS debate series, Sarah Naiman suggested the inclusion of green space in the new Student Union Building, this suggestion rapidly expanded to a whole green roof project. Apparently, some architects have included a landscaped area where a roof would be normally be found. Words cannot express how excited I am at the prospect of our new Student Union Building being created in the form of a chia pet. Maybe the problem I really have with the concept is that it means all my current hopes and dreams for the new S.U.B will never reach fruition. I have many ideas for what the new one will be like. One might even say I fantasize about it. One such fantasy involves a student union building with pressure triggered, light up floors, just like in the “smooth criminal” video. I imagine the fun that would be had by my compatriots and I as we played hop scotch or simply danced vigorously on those sweet, luminescent tiles. If that is not considered feasible, we could also entertain the idea of a student union building/aquarium which utilizes large fish-tanks as walls. It would be just like pimp-shoes… but in building form. With all of these fantastic ideas I’m sure you’re wishing I was running for VP Admin, so that I could bring my personal touch to the upcoming project. Fortunately, I have meditated heavily on the green space concept, and I have realized that the problem is that it simply does not go far enough. I propose the AMS make a bold statement and take our S.U.B in a distinctly “Sherwood Forest” direction. I’m talking a tree fortress with bamboo elevators, and an elaborate security system involving ditches dug into the ground and then meticulously covered with doors made of woven fallen leaves. We could spend what we would have doled out on flat screen TVs on something really useful like a moat. And everyone knows that nothing satisfies a student body like a good moat.

So I’m not incredibly pleased, and here’s why. Despite my best attempts to grab the attention of the BLOG.COM staff they have been exceedingly unhelpful in fixing the current issue with their software (is it still software if it’s hosted online? I’m not in science.. I just don’t know.) What this means for you, the reader, is that I cannot change the delicious lime green colour of this blog. I apologize to your retina’s. For me it just means some nagging frustration and that I had to re-make/resize some graphics. So all in all, not such a big deal. I feel a little stupid for allowing it to slow down updates here. BUT NO MORE! tonight should come with another blitz of media joy- so if you’re reading this now, and this is not immediately followed by snarky commentary… check back in like, an hour. I swear it’s coming. I attended some actual events today which thrilled me, and I’m itching to write about them.

TTYL

UR MY BFF!!111///1!!1BBQ

~*sHaWn*~