Fine Yian. Make me a liar! While it’s still true that yesterday’s VP debates were so boring that the alternate event occuring in the same timeslot entitled “watching a painting, of grass growing, dry” was extremely well attended -this morning is a brand new day and there is a brand new story. I don’t know if I’m breaking this news but GOD I HOPE SO. Journalistic integrity at last! I see a pulitzer in my future. I see published works based on this article. I see a bio-pic starring Ryan Phillipe that would catapult him to the upper echelons of Hollywood stardom and make everyone forget “Wingcommander” or whatever the fuck that movie was called. So without any further ado:
       EAT CAKE EXCLUSIVE: Choose your own Adventure!!!

  We are thrilled to be able to report (because we are thrilled to be able to report ANYTHING)

    A) that the VP Admin race has officially been cancelled. Rumor has it that VP Admin Candidate Yian recently slept with an older distinguished gentleman who had also slept with his mother, and his grandfather as well as being the topic of a bestselling novel and as a result has suffered a nervous breakdown.

   B) the VP Admin race has been official cancelled. A press release from Yian suggests that he has realized that his true passion is Construction. He can now be found on wreck beach constructing tiny student union buildings made entirely of sand and discarded bongs.

  C) the VP Admin race has officially been cancelled. UBC insider buzz suggests that Yian was breaking elections code outside the sub. This could mean anything from selling his body to the night to the delight of cougars everywhere- or just campaiging with his laptop- But that would be lame wouldn’t it?

YOU DECIDE!
-S

        Sarah Naiman Needs Help. I’ve been sitting on this one for a while now here at EAT CAKE but the situation has just become so dire that I cannot with good concience stay quiet. It all started when Sarah Naiman was accused of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on the SUB renewal process. Sarah vehemently denied this to all who would listen and we at EAT CAKE though perhaps the lady doth protest too much.
      The answer my friends? SHE DOTH. SHE DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH. After a little digging I found the truth. Big Al’s House of Hot Tamale Boy Toys. A local escort service operating out of a small basement suite in kitsalano where up to 30 underfed, wannabe actors hopped up on viagara live with their obese pimp who I hear moonlights as an GSS counsellor. The truth of the matter is Yian simply misinterpreted what all that spending was for- far from going towards our new Student Union Building, Sarah has been misappropriating money to hire herself up to 15 callboys a day for good times in the executive offices. Far from just gossip, photographic evidence provided to Eat Cake proves that her “private massages” pretty much always have a happy ending.
              Sarah- KNOW THIS:  you are not alone. I understand - you have a problem, and I don’t just mean the inevitable chafing. May I suggest some AMS services? the speakeasy? student counselling? That is if your wanton lust hasn’t bankrupt them already! For shame Ms. Naiman- for shame.

-S

    Hey there everyone. I’d like to take this opportunity just to explain my abscence for the past few days. I’m sure you all thought it was some sort of spaz attack brought on by the fact that the VFM race has quickly become a clusterfuck beyond compare. But that is just not the case. Gosh this is really really hard. Here goes nothin’ -
   Aside from overdosing on green tea supplements, I have also suffered a lapse in what I would describe as my life long struggle with emo-addiction. It’s not a phase, it’s not just me being silly- it’s a disease and it’s a terminal one. One day it is more than possible that in a fit of emo- I will choke myself to death with an unnecessary scarf, or I will stab myself straight through the eye and into my vunerable brain cavity with an over-sharpened eyeliner pencil. 
    Over the past few days I’ve been binging hardcore. Everything I’ve worn has been striped. I had to be restrained from having permanent eyeliner and tears tattooed on my face, and I have penned at least three volumes of intimate poetry resulting in plenty of righteous emo paper cuts and what I think is the definitive literary account on the life of a struggling blogger in a blogified world of blogification.
    This latest bout of emo was brought on by many things, and I don’t want any one person to feel personally responsible. Rodrigo- I’m looking at you. If anything your endless diatribes have soothed this tortured artist’s soul. Don’t blame yourself when I’m gone.  The important thing is that I’m over it now, I’ve come back to my senses, shed my chuck taylors, and I’m back.

- S

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Mit Romney, Jeffree Star, Cyborg Pig, Yoko Ono.: All of the people featured above may or may not be running for a slot on the UBC senate this year. I, as a correspondent of the media, can neither confirm nor deny their candidacy, because despite sitting through the senate debate held at the Gallery last night, I cannot for the life of me remember the candidates. Before you pull out the breathalizer- let me assure you that I am not suffering blackouts- I was just unbearably bored.

The job of a UBC senator is very important, as it is the only way outside of the VP Academic that student voices can be heard by the University. Unfortunately the student voices of the candidates were largely drowned out by the patrons of the gallery (with a few exceptions) giving little hope as to how these students will be able to raise their voices to the administration.

Perhaps they will undergo a life changing experience when a bus full of student senator hopefuls is involved in a stunning car crash- forcing them to re-evaluate their lives, attend a fun and morally uplifting summer camp focused on performance arts and finally learn the true harmonious meaning of `raising your voice` a la the 2004 film featuring Hillary Duff.

Or… perhaps all of the senators were actually exuberant and filled with great ideas, strong opinions, and relevant information- all of which was misinterpreted by my brain due to random drug testing occurring illicitly on campus. Pharmacy students have always seemed kind of dodgy to me.

Perhaps not. But one thing is for certain, the Senate race has to pick up quite a bit between now and their next debate- and I will be watching my drink like a hawk from now on.

- S

In a heated debate today at the SUB, Presidential candidate Mathew Naylor came under fire over the topic of endorsements. Journalists from the Uybessey pointed out that Mr.Naylor has failed to collect any endorsements from past or present AMS Execs, casting a shadow of doubt on his campaign. Mr. Naylor handled the question in a cool unflappable manner which seemed to be indicative of maturity and patience.

We here at Eat Cake know otherwise- and we cannot be silenced.

Little Known Fact: Matthew Naylor was for much of his life known as Lil Nay Nay- a name which to this day is revered on the mean streets of Calgary. He spent the majority of his life “keeping it real” while ardently investigating his lifelong passion for jazz, and popping caps in motherfuckers who crossed his path. During a brief stint in the pokey, Lil Nay Na established himself as one of the more “liberal” prison dons to have passed through those hallowed halls. This was largely due to his reputation for mercy. During the twelve months he spent behind bars Nay Nay established his “cred” by shanking a mere 18 other inmates, all members of the young conservative “crew” of Cell Block D.

In light of this knowledge, I admit to being somewhat concerned for both the future of the AMS, and more specifically that poor, uninformed Ubyssey reporter. So many questions rear their ugly heads. Will the AMS become a drug cartel dealing mainly in opiates and black market Kenny G c.ds? Will safewalk be abolished in favour of some sort of “thug walk” service which will provide protection in exchange for your wallet and your shoes if they’re expensive? And most importantly, what kind of retaliation will we see towards the Ubyssey reporter from a man who once stabbed a man to death only using the pointy end of his campaign pins?

The future is indeed uncertain- all I’m saying is if some reporter wakes up tomorrow with the severed head of the fire hydrant in his bed- this guy won’t be surprised. Because straight up holmes, don’t be fooled by the rocks that he got- he’s still- he’s still Nay Nay from the Block.

- S

The Let Them Eat Cake terror level has been raised from a steady “Angelfood” to a truly alarming “Black Forest” after comments made by certain Presidential candidates today. One candidate in particular suggested that students needed to engage in a, “really good technological way,”. Others emphasized strongly the need to translate all reports and minutes to electronic format, and still others suggested the time honoured tradition of report writing is antiquated and should be “updated”.

Friends, I think it’s clear to see what is happening here. The AMS has been invaded by techno-loving cyborgs. Looking back, we should have seen this coming. Webvote, Vista, AMSLink- even credit and debit machines at AMS businesses have all been, in reality, harbringers of a dark, matrix-esque apocalypse wherein the men and women of UBC will be forcibly assimilated by cyborg oppressors.

We must start asking the important questions; where did these cyborgs come from, how did they infiltrate our student elections- and most importantly do their cybernetic parts run on some kind of sustainable energy source???? And when the cyborg revolution comes, will your operating system be windows or linux? These are the things we must know to stave off the coming invasion- or at least educate ourselves on prior to the arrival of their mother cube on campus when we can only assume their vengeance will as swift and merciless and painful as listening to their debates have been thusfar. Be prepared UBC. Be prepared.
-S

                Representatives from the Totem Park Resident’s Association have lashed out at  Presidential candidate “Che” Allison over his proposed plans to bring at least two “shanty villages” to UBC upon his inauguration. Che revealed his preliminary plans for said Shanty Villages during the debate held today in the conversation pit, and suggested that this would be an appropriate means of increasing student housing. Totem Rez Association Reps have expressed their outrage at these plans, asserting that they are “callous, inconsiderate, and just hurtful.” One resident commented that Che had shown unbelievable “cultural insensitivity” by his suggestion.  Asked to make a final statement on the topic, the TPRA Press rep released this, “ We just don`t understand why Che can`t plan for affordable, quality student housing- no one`s tried that yet! UBC already has a Shanty Village and Totem is it! Che needs to respect our cultural rights and create some other kind of housing.`

                Comments from Che`s camp were unavailable as of press time.

-S